a trying time
In the book of John, the Lord said, “In this world, you will have many trials... “. For some of us, unfortunately, those trials are actual trials...
(Push play to listen to Rory read this blog post)
About a week ago, Indiana and I flew to Texas, and the next afternoon, I flew back home with an empty seat beside me and a heart full of sorrow, but also hope.
The next morning, just as I have done through most of the difficult (and wonderful) moments of this life I live for the last dozen years or so, I sat down with a laptop in front of me, and began trying to process what it is that I’m feeling.
For me, writing this blog is usually less about sharing stories that I want to tell, and more about trying to understand the story God is letting me be part of.
“In this world, you will have many trials...” - John 16:33
The Bible says that when we follow God there will be trials and suffering - times that are trying and difficult. And even though most of us have read and know this, none of us think there would be actual trials. But for our family, unfortunately, there is.
A trial to decide the future of Indiana began this past Tuesday in a courtroom in the small town where we live of Columbia, Tennessee. The culmination of an attack on our family that I have not been legally able to speak about, until yesterday when the court lifted the gag order.
Although our day in court was set to begin this past week, our trials began a long time before that… back in the summer of 2022.
Without going into details, my oldest daughter Heidi, who I love very much, sent an email letting me know that she was very unhappy with me. That became a challenging series of emails back-and-forth, then a dinner and conversation that August together at our farm that didn’t go well - one that only made the distance between us wider - and soon after that, all communication stopped.
A short time later she took her unhappiness to the Internet. Sharing on social media, bits of our conversations they’d taped, and making accusations against me.
A number of months later, due to a lack of trust, I decided not to let Indiana go to Alabama and spend the night with them anymore. Soon after, I received a call from child protective services saying they had been called, and our local sheriff’s office was handing me a summons to appear in court, and legal accusations made against me and my parenting, and also against Rebecca.
A month or so later, when I was baptized in the church, and Rebecca and I got married in Montana, it only got worse. More accusations, and a new lawsuit, mostly questioning the safety of the church I am part of, the people in it, and the direction my family was headed. This went on for more than a year, and finally this past September, we saw each other again… this time on different sides of a courtroom. From there a trial date was set for early January to try and settle this, once and for all.
As much as my daughter has tried the last couple of years to destroy my reputation, financially hurt us, and have the state take her little sister away from us… we have continued loving her and Dillon, and praying for reconciliation for our family. In early November, Rebecca and I, and Heidi and her husband Dillon even sat down together and had a two hour conversation at a coffee shop to see if we could work this out. Which was wonderful.
And in December, just days before Christmas, we invited them to join us for Christmas dinner at the farm, and on the 23rd they, along with my middle daughter Hopie came and we had a wonderful meal and three hours of beautiful time together.
I can’t begin to tell you how happy Indiana was to see her sisters, and how happy they were to see her. And also how thankful I was to see my older daughters, and Dillon and get to visit with them and hear how they’re all doing. I have missed them so. Rebecca loved our time together with them too.
Our hope was that Heidi would see how happy Indy is and that we are as a family. And that the bitterness in her heart and the agenda that she has in her mind would melt away. We offered to wipe the slate clean. To forgive all that they have done and begin again as a family anew.
But unfortunately, no matter how much grace we have tried to show, and how much we seek to reconcile, just after the first of the year, Heidi said that unless she has a legal agreement to share custody and get parental rights for Indiana, she is not giving in.
And so although we hoped and believed totally that this would be resolved by the trial date, it didn’t happen.
Instead, as we gathered in the courtroom waiting for the trial to begin, Heidi’s lawyers asked for a continuance - meaning more time and more days in court. And they made another, brand new accusation, and are pursuing a new angle to get the outcome they want.
And so here we are.
It’s not pretty. And it’s not the story that I want to be telling today. Or any day. But as I mentioned, in my last blog post as the New Year came into view, I am going to follow God wherever He leads, trusting that He sees what I, and we can’t. And though this is not the start of the new year we had hoped for, it is one we have been given.
Indiana has no idea any of this has happened, or is happening. We have never said a word to her about any of this, and we don’t intend to. Our trip to Texas for her was her going on a great adventure to spend the next week or so with friends who have other little girls her age that she loves to be with.
So as we boarded the plane last week, waited for our flight, picked up her bag from luggage, stopped for breakfast together in Dallas and then at a park so she could play, and then finally getting to our friends’ house in Waco, she felt only excitement and joy.
I’m not sure I felt the same, but I do know we are here for a reason. God has us in this moment - going through this - for a purpose that we can’t see today. But one day in the near future, we will.
Since the trial has now been temporarily suspended, Rebecca flew down to Texas and is with Indy. She’ll bring her home on Friday and from there we will continue to do our best to navigate this difficult situation, while taking the next steps to follow where God is leading us.
I’m writing this not to air our dirty laundry. That’s the very last thing I want to do. And I have worked very hard and made a point not to share any of this over the last three years, even though it has been going on. Not because I wanted to put up a false, happy front, but because I didn’t want to do anything that might hurt my daughter, no matter what her intentions have been to me.
Through it all, I have been thankful that God has given me the grace to stay positive, and continue loving and not harboring resentment toward Heidi, no matter how trying it’s been.
It’s interesting that through all of this, as difficult as this has been for our larger family the last couple years… Rebecca and I and Indy and our little family have been having the time of our lives. I’ve been blessed to find love again and have had someone wonderful to share my life with for the last year and half, Rebecca has a new life and a daughter to call her own for the first time, and Indy now has a physical mother, that she calls mama, to love and be loved by, every single day, for the first time.
And add to that, we’ve been blessed to have found a church, a community and life that has deepened our faith, and helped us to navigate the incredibly divisive cultural waters our family has been dog-paddling in the last couple of years.
For all of that and more, we’ve mostly been overwhelmed with gratefulness for this new love and life we’ve been given. And maybe that’s part of the problem. It’s hard to hurt people that are filled with love and gratitude.
This story, and blog post is not to ask any of you to take sides. Not to divulge all the details, or tell you how right we are, and how wrong Heidi is… It is only to ask you to pray for us. To take a few moments if you could, and send prayers up for our family. A family that has been torn apart by life, by loss, by different world views, different political views, and more than anything else, differences in our faith.
I’m pretty sure the last time that I asked for your prayers like this on my blog, was 10 years ago, in late October 2015, when we had just found out that Joey’s stage-4 cancer had continued spreading, and we decided to come home. We asked for everyone reading the blog and following our story to pray that God might perform a miracle and heal her, but even more so… for Him to give us peace, if He chooses not to.
And all these years later, my prayer request is still the same. That God might miraculously heal this terrible cancer that has infected our family. That he would make what is broken, into something new again. That our family would find a reconciliation, restoration, repentance, and complete redemption that only He can bring to our lives.
I one-hundred percent believe that God can, and will take this difficult situation and story, and turn it into one filled with hope and love, for us and others.
I also believe that this is not a battle over parental rights, or sibling rights, or Indiana’s safety, or my parenting, or whether Rebecca is a good mother, or whether the church we are part of is a cult. This is a battle between good and evil. Light and darkness.
And God is going to use it for his glory.
In the meantime if you would, please pray for us. That love will overcome fear. That right will overcome wrong. That we can all get beside ourselves, let go of our prides, and that somehow, miraculously, these trials will come to an end, before the trial starts up again.
The wound inside of all of us is not something that any courtroom, or lawyer, or any judge or jury is ever going to be able to fix.
Love is the only thing strong enough to do it.
And so, Please pray for Indiana. From the day she was born she has been, and is, nothing but a treasured gift from above to us and everyone who knows her. And that nothing, and no-one, will separate her from us, and even more so, from Him.
Pray for Heidi. It is always hurt people who hurt people. She has not had the easiest life. My older girls have experienced much pain and loss, and carry a wound that I will never completely know or understand. Pray that Heidi might see a better way to resolve her conflicts. And realize that there is only one perfect Father and it’s not me, and that He’s using all of this to draw her, and all of us, to Him.
And pray for Rebecca and I. This isn’t something that we’re emotionally prepared for. This has all been very difficult for Rebecca - much more than she signed up for I think. But through all of this, she has been a rock…although at times even the strongest person falls into a puddle of tears. And financially, it has been and continues to be very, very difficult on us. I am not sure how we’re even going to pay for the next step. But I know God will provide.
He always does.
And lastly, pray for God’s will to be done. And that if we must continue to go through this, that love will still abound in our hearts for our oldest daughter and her husband. Although it’s very hard for me to see right now, especially as I’m writing and about to share this post, I believe that someday, someway, somehow, our broken family will be closer than ever because of this.
One last note. Fortunately, and unfortunately… we aren’t the only family going through something like this.
Over the last couple of years, I have had dozens of people share similar stories with me. Stories of how their adult children have suddenly become estranged, and dissatisfied with them, and have begun attacking them in person and online. And how difficult it has been for their families involved. I have a number very close friends of mine, who are in completely different settings, and yet are experiencing almost the exact same thing.
And so, if you have, or are, going through something like this yourself… as you pray for us, we will be praying for you. That your burden will be lifted. That God would take what the world uses for evil, and make it for the good.
Thank you all for your prayers. For your concern. And mostly for your love.
With much, much gratitude,
- rory
PS: I started this story with the verse from the Bible where Christ said,
“In this world, you will have many trials...”,
But He finishes that statement with
“…but take heart, because I have overcome the world”.
Amen.
I pray for you, Rebecca and Indiana. I pray for Heidi and Dillon. I pray the judge sees Indy as Joey’s child, not Heidi’s. Heidi can have her own children and raise them however she wants and pray nobody will think she’s raising her child wrong and try and take it away. I pray for your financial stability and emotional stability as well. Nobody should have to go through something like this. You have a lot of prayer warriors to back you up.
I simply can't imagine what you, Rebecca and all those who love you are experiencing. No words can put this into perspective or bring healing or comfort. I will simply pray that God will work in His mighty power, and may He give you His peace. Thank you for so painfully, yet eloquently, sharing your story.